Update: Isaac

 Yesterday we went in for Isaac's 5 year well check.  I am happy to report that Isaac is very, very well.  (Don't mind the naked baby in the background.  He was there for a well check too.  Also don't mind that my kids are playing on the floor at the doctor's office.  It is something that I NEVER thought I would allow my kids to do, but four kids later and some hand sanitizer, on the floor they are.)

 Isaac still has diminished energy levels and experiences exhaustion doing activities that he would normally be able to do.  Just as the specialists at Primary Children's indicated, our pediatrician reminded us that it will be "late fall" (i.e. one year from when he became ill) before he will be back to "baseline." 

 Diminished energy, however, does not keep Isaac from being energetic.  He just has to take more breaks than he used to.

 Isaac did great at t-ball this year.  He loved hitting and his throw got better throughout the season.  He was fine to run from base to base one at a time, but if he was the last batter, it was hard for him to make it all the way around the bases at once.

 I find myself pausing for a moment or two each day to say a silent prayer of gratitude as I observe how normal and happy his life is, and how happy mine is as a result.  In every way, he is a normal, healthy five-year-old boy.

 He plays such an essential role in our family.  He fills a unique role of being the perfect playmate for each of his siblings.

 After "graduating" from preschool, he is planning to attend Kindergarten this fall, which he is very nervous about.  And so am I. 

 After taking most of the year off due to his illness, Isaac was able to finish out the dance season with the most anticipated, ever-so-wonderful year-end dance revue on the stage.

 He may not have known all the moves, but he was not lacking in confidence.

 Isaac's 5th birthday was, of course, a special occasion.  I couldn't help but think about the possibility that we may not have celebrated this birthday with him.  Had any number of things gone even slightly differently, the temporary disruption that his illness caused would have been a permanent one.

 Just before his birthday Isaac learned to ride his bike without training wheels.  We have always enjoyed a lot of biking in the summertime.  We ride to the park, the pool, the library, and the ball games.  We found that Isaac is not quite strong enough to bike very far just yet.  So this summer we are sticking to riding around the block.

 Isaac pretty much self-regulates his activity.  When he needs to rest or slow down, he pulls out his puzzles and gets down to business.

 It was Isaac's turn to go to the Hale Theater last month.  We saw "Peter Pan" and it was splendid.  We sat on the first row, and in the magic of live theater, Isaac thought he was part of the show and became completely caught up in the wonder of it all. 

I suppose most people don't anticipate sudden traumatic events in their lives, and such was the case with me.  What really took me by surprise, however, was the place I found myself in when the trauma had ended.  When Isaac was discharged after his second hospitalization I was hopeful that everything was better.  The reality was that I felt myself slipping into a confusing and dark place that reminded me of how I felt during the foggy postpartum period after the births of two of my children.  I had a difficult time feeling motivated to shower and get ready each day.  Normal every day tasks like doing the laundry and dishes felt crushingly overwhelming.  These feelings were complicated by the guilt and shame that I experienced because I was supposed to be feeling thankful and happy, not sad and depressed.  So, just like I did when I found myself in Intensive Care with my son, I turned to the only Source of Peace.  Through the darkness I continued praying and pleading.  The feelings that I was too scared or ashamed to admit to my family, even my husband, I could share with my Father in Heaven.  Slowly, with the help and support of my family, and the continued kindness of so many others, I started to feel normal again.  The weekly follow up visits to Primary Children's eventually slowed to monthly visits, and then stopped altogether.  The insurance statements and hospital bills (that I still receive nearly every day in the mail) felt less threatening.  The everyday tasks felt less overwhelming.  Winter changed to spring.  I got back into a regular exercise routine.  The familiar comfort and reassurance from my Savior began to feel more powerful.  It was such a beautiful relief when I finally felt like I had returned to my baseline.  I hadn't expected to have to deal with a recovery for me, and I was reminded that much of what we suffer in this life cannot be seen. 

When Isaac gets out of the bathtub and I help rub lotion on his body, my hands slide over four scars on his left side and back.  They are a continuous reminder of the miracles we experienced.  Each and every time I feel so much gratitude for the innumerable blessings in my life, both big and small.  I don't know if I have reached the point that I can call this trial a blessing (although I have heard my husband say that,) but I am so very thankful for the things that I have learned because of Isaac's illness and recovery.  I truly see the world through a different set of eyes now.  I watch Isaac move forward, with a smile, and gratefully acknowledge that I have been able do the same.